


I Could Have Been Like You

by purplequeenppgz



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 13:09:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7362655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplequeenppgz/pseuds/purplequeenppgz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As much as Finn hates to admit it ,there's something deep inside himself that would always gravitate towards Kylo no matter how much grief and sorrow that man gave him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Could Have Been Like You

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys did ya miss me? Anyway it feels nice to be posting fanfiction again.  
> got inspired by this fic with this cover (Crywolf - Never Be Like You) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TdiNs2bE9A

Finn had no idea why he was doing this. He wanted to convince himself that perhaps Kylo was controlling his body through the Force but he knew that wasn't true. As much as Finn hates to admit it, there's something deep inside himself that would always gravitate towards Kylo no matter how much grief and sorrow that man gave him. No matter how much distance he put between them or how much he insulted Kylo in his mind, Kylo will always have his hand squeezing at Finn's heart.

Finn reprimanded himself the entire trip there. There was no logic to loving a man so toxic for you. He had hope that his feelings will dull with time ,but it's been two years since he's seen Kylo and his feelings were still intensely passionate. 

Kylo had came to him in a dream begging Finn to come to some planet he didn't even know existed. No details or explanation just 'I need you' and coordinates to where to find him.

He wasn't going to do it Finn had told himself. Kylo could go screw himself if he thought Finn would come scrabbling back to him like a lost pup that missed it's master. Kylo had some nerve trying to talk to him after slicing his back and shattering his spine.

Finn had "borrowed" the nearest x-wing and made his way towards the planet. He reached the planet within an hou.. Finn had a rough landing but the snow managed to soften the impact. Finn hoped that Kylo made this trip worth it. He's going to have a lot of questions to answer to when he goes back to the Resistance base and he has yet to make up an alibi.

Finn walked around ducking past trees and branches in search for any sign of human life. The snow crunched beneath his feet as he strolled around .He could feel Kylo was close-by. Finn stopped when he heard a quick snap coming from behind him. He turned around to see Kylo emerge from behind a tree.

"Hello, FN-2187," Kylo said.

"Finn."

Kylo tilted his head and though Finn couldn't see anything past that mask he was sure that Kylo's mouth pulled up in an arrogant smirk. A chuckle left his lips, "Of course it is."

Finn's entire body shuddered as the distorted voice mocked him. That mask always unsettled the man and that demonic voice always struck Finn with fear. Finn took a deep breath to soothe his nerves. He must not look weak in front of the enemy. He should not be nervous around Kylo. This man feeds off negative emotions.

"You called me out here for something. What is it that you need?" Finn hoped he sounded more confident than he felt. His slow breathing was doing nothing to get rid of his fear. If anything it made him more aware of how vulnerable he felt as he was sure that his legs would give out any minute with how much they were wobbling under his robe.

"Nothing. Just haven't seen you in a while," Kylo said. Finn didn't saw anything immediately as he expected Kylo to elaborate but apparently the commander thought that simple statement was a sufficient explanation.

"Let me get this straight? You called your enemy all the way out here, where no one else knows where you are, because you were lonely? Are you a fool?" The corners of Finn's mouth curved upwards to form a grin. He didn't feel fearless but acting like he did makes him feel less skittish.

"Well, you're the one who came here despite me giving you no real reason too."  
So Kylo was being vague on purpose just to see how much he could get away with it, just to see if he could still pull on the strings in Finn's heart. Finn shouldn't put it passed Kylo to play mind games like this. Finn couldn't be too mad because in the back of his mind Finn knew this was the real reason he was called here. Finn cursed Kylo for always having him wrapped around his finger.

"Also I doubt you told you friends where you were heading," Kylo said.

"So?" Finn didn't mean to sound as defensive as he came off but it was never good when Kylo brought up his friends in a conversation. Usually it meant that Kylo was either going to try to murder one of them or insult them.

"So, wouldn't that make you the bigger fool. It's not the best idea to come face to face with your enemy when your friends would have no idea where you are if you needed any help," Kylo said and if Finn could see the shit eating grin Kylo hid behind that tacky mask he would slap it off. "Force forbid something were to happen to you."

"I can't...They can.. Shut Up ,I don't need to explain myself to you. You explain yourself to me. Is that this the only reason you called me out here? To play games with me?"

Kylo put his hands behind his helmet. There was a loud click and then a slow hiss followed. Kylo lifted the helmet off his face as his curls fell to frame his face. He put the mask under his arm and walked towards Finn. Finn put his hand around his lightsaber but soften his grip around it when he studied Kylo's face. It didn't seem like he was going to hurt him. He still held on to it ,however. He kept his guard up just in case Kylo went on offense .Kylo was not an emotionally or mentally stable man. Someone or something would always get hurt when his emotions got out of hand. Kylo cupped Finn's face. Kylo pressed his lips softly on Finn's, "I missed you".

Finn cursed his weak heart as he wrapped his arms around Kylo's waist. Finn didn't know what physiological manipulation Kylo put him through to always make him so weak at the knees. Finn hoped one day he could use Kylo's feelings against him like how Kylo was using Finn now.

When Kylo pulled away, Finn got on his tipped toes and planted a kiss on Kylo's lips. Damn, why did Kylo have to be so freakishly tall? Kylo smirked against the kiss as he listened to Finn's projected thoughts.

They proceed to make out. Finn was in the mood to be a little daring so he pushed the man to the ground. Kylo fell up against a tree. He was going to object to this rough treatment until Finn dropped on top of him and silenced his protests by planting his mouth roughly on Kylo's lips. Kylo moaned as Finn wrapped his tongue around his own.

Oh ,how he wished this could last forever. Kissing and holding Finn like this was a fantasy come true, but once this fantasy was over Kylo will have to go back to his reality. Back to doing things he didn't want to do but had to. Kylo's mind drifted as Finn ran his fingers through his hair. How different would their relationship be if he had chosen the Light? How would his life be if he'd excepted his father's offer to come back? Maybe then Kylo wouldn't be forced to kill innocents. It would be easier to sleep at night knowing that he wasn't a monster masquerading as a human.

Finn sensed Kylo's sudden conflict and pulled his face away. Kylo had his lips between his teeth and as Finn pulled up a small piece of skin on his bottom lip was scrapped leaving him with a blooding lip.

Kylo growled in annoyance that their make-out session abruptly ended.

"Doesn't it hurt?" Finn asked.

Kylo's eyebrow shot up as to what he could have possibly meant. If anything Kylo should be asking _him_ that as having bloody wounds exposed to cold air was painful. Kylo knew this from experience.

Finn bit the other unbruised side of his bottom lip as his eyes darted to the side. There was something on his mind but he was conflicted if it was worth the effort to say out loud. "Doesn't it hurt to always be in conflict? To have two set of morals fighting against each other at the same time?"

Kylo scowled and pushed Finn off of him. Finn's body flipped over and he landed on Kylo's right side. "We are not having this conversation. I didn't come all the way here just so you can lecture me. If you only see this as an opportunity to proselytize then you can leave."

Kylo made no attempt to move and neither did Finn. Finn was not going to leave. He knew nothing would come out of trying to talk Kylo out of the First Order but Finn figured while he still had Kylo emotionally and physically vulnerable it was worth the effort.

"Kylo ,please come back to the light. You don't belong in the darkness. Don't you see the reason your always in conflict is because this is not you. This isn't for you. This isn't what you truly believe." Finn took Kylo's hand into his own.

"I believe whatever Snoke tells me to believe." Kylo tried to pull his hand away but Finn was not having it. Finn only tightened his grip around Kylo's giant hand.

"Snoke." Finn's lips contorted like he just tasted something bitter and soar. "Snoke feels nothing for you. He simply sees you as a means to an end goal and once he reaches that goal he's going to kill you without a second thought. He wouldn't risk having his apprentice usurping his power."

Kylo turned his face away. "I know."

That caught Finn by surprise. He knew? Then why fight for a man that you know has no loyalty towards you? A monster that only sees you as an object to manipulate and bend to his will.

"If you know then why-"

"Because it's too late to do anything about it." Kylo's head whips around to look at Finn's. "I've killed to many people and plundered to many planets to warrant any sort of redemption. There's no going back for me. I am truly a monster and the First Order is where I belong. If I leave no other place will accept me."

"The Resistance-"

"Wouldn't do anything for me. If they got their hands on me I would be killed at best. No matter who my mother is she can't stop me from facing the penalties of my crimes against the galaxy."

Finn averted his eyes. This wasn't something he could argue against.  
Finn knew that Kylo's future wasn't bright whether he leaves or not but at least if he leaves Snoke wouldn't have him. Any future is better than a future being Snoke's puppet.

There was no more words exchanged between them at that point. They both just stared at the other hoping the other would fill the silence. Finn looked into Kylo's eyes and saw a lost man. A man who had no options and a bleak future. Every time Kylo looks at him with those pitiful eyes Finn just wants to wrap the man in a blanket and take him home .Hide him in his room so Snoke would never get him back. Protect him so that neither the First Order or the Resistance would have their way with him.

Finn's head shot up as he got an idea. "What if you left and disappeared?"

Kylo looks at him like that was the dumbest thing he's ever heard.

"Instead of going to the Resistance you could just go into hiding. You don't have to choose a side on this war if you refuse to be a part of it."

Kylo eyes shift up and down Finn's earnest face. "You make it sound easy."

"Of course, it won't be easy but it's worth trying."

"Would it?"

"Of course, why not?"

"If I went into hiding I'd have both the First Order and the Resistance would come looking for me. I don't think I could hide from both."

"Luke Skywalker did," Finn interjected.

"Yes but the Resistance found him eventually."

"It took them years. Besides only few people know what you look like under that mask. If anything you could hide in plan sight till the day you die. You wouldn't have to go off to some uncharted planet like Luke did."

Kylo looked down to Finn's hand which had somehow managed to intertwine with his finger during their conversation. Kylo looked back up. "If I went into hiding, wouldn't that mean we would never be together. I'd have to hide from you as well. It would be nearly impossible for us to ever see each other."

"We can find a way to keep in touch in secret. I can find a way to make it work?" Finn's eyes shone bright with naive optimism.

"And if you don't?" Kylo countered.

"If I don't, then that's just the sacrifice I have to make. My love for your safety." Kylo looked as Finn's face fell. "Even though I don't want to." Finn said in a barely audible whisper.

Kylo was shocked. As a man who takes whatever he wants, seeing Finn give up what he wants the most almost makes his heart clench in pain. It makes him ask too much questions about himself that he doesn't want the answers too. Introspection is not something Kylo had in mind when he called Finn over to this last minute get together. Kissing? Yes. Sex? Definitely.Self-examination? No.

Kylo looked at the disconsolate look Finn had on his face. Finn wasn't bluffing. He really would give up Kylo for life if it meant Kylo could have a chance to live a good life. "You're a good man,Finn."

Finn looked into his eyes confused ,but then a smile spread across his face. "And you could be too if given the chance." Finn kisses the back of his hand and then rubbed his thumb where his lips had just left.

Kylo didn't know what made Finn more happy the fact that Kylo used his chosen name or the fact that Kylo complemented him but it didn't matter either way. As long as he got to see Finn smile more. He already sees so little of the man. A day like this where they can lay next to each other and get lost in each others eyes was a rarity and Kylo will make the best of it before he has to go back.

Finn shifted his body and Kylo stared at him as he positions himself so that his head laid on Kylo's lap. Kylo petted Finn rubbing the palm of his hands against Finn's buzz cut.

They stay like that for hours. They project their feelings into each other as the hours past them by. It seemed too draining to express their thoughts through actual words when the Force just made connecting to each other's feelings all the much easier.

They share memories with each other. They have a lot of catching up to do since the last time they've seen each other. Kylo's memories are either horrifying or sadistic. Finn has a hard time seeing the psychological and physical torture Snoke subjects Kylo through through Kylo's eyes but Finn takes it in. To understand Kylo he had to understand Kylo's pain and his struggles. To take his pain and make it his own. That's the way it's always been like,even before Finn defected. Kylo shares his pain and Finn shares his empathy. Once Kylo is done showing Finn everything, he feels like a weight has been lifted off his chest. Sharing the experience with someone else made him feel more at peace. It was like his emotions had been overflowing and Finn was the container to pour them in.

Finn's memories tend to be more on the fluffy side and Kylo tries his best to keep his jealousy in check. Whenever he sees that pilot flirting with Finn he feels the need to bash him in his pearly white teeth. Finn was either too dense to realize the pilot was flirting with him or he ignored it. Either way as far as Finn was allowing him to see they didn't get anywhere which relieved Kylo.

Poe wasn't the only thing that made Kylo jealous. Seeing Finn train with Skywalker and Rey. Seeing him interact with his mother. Seeing him surrounded by friends who love him and respect him instead of people who fear him or tolerate him. Kylo wished he could have a life like that. It pains him to admit but this was the life he rejected when he excepted Snoke as his master. Finn is the man Kylo could have been if he actually had morals and wasn't so greedy for power. Nostalgia washed over him. Was it possible to miss a past you never had but could have had? He supposed not but that didn't stop him from feeling like he robbed himself of a better life.

 

Eventually Kylo had decided that it was time for him to leave. He flipped himself so that now he was on top of Finn with he man in between his legs. Kylo used the Force to make Finn sleepy. Finn could have fought against it if he wanted but Finn decided to not fuss. He was sure that Kylo would not hurt him while he was unconscious. "I'll keep what you said in mind," was the last thing Finn heard before sleep overtook him.

Finn felt a hand press on his side, shaking his body back and forth. His eyes flutter open and after they adjust to the morning suns he sees Rey standing over him.

"Finn, are you okay?" Rey had asked.

"Rey, what are you doing here?"

"I should be asking you that. I got a transmission on my comlink saying that you were in trouble but the person on the other end refused to tell me who he was. Did someone attack you?"

Finn thought back to Kylo and the night shared. All that time passed by and he still didn't make his alibi. Oh, well. He'll make stuff up as he went along, telling Rey half truths and omitting some details.

"I'll tell you later. How about we go back to the base?"

Rey looked at Finn up and down. "What happened to your lip?"

Finn blushed and he cursed himself as he thinks that maybe he's given himself away somehow. Rey looks at him skeptically but doesn't say much more. She offered her hand to help him up and he takes it. He wipes the snow off his robes and the both of them walk off.

**Author's Note:**

> I finally wrote fluff or at least the closest thing to fluff i'll ever write. I wish I could have been more active in this tagg but Junes been crazy busy since i had to prepare for college and graduation. 
> 
> Before this fic I was working on a finn x hux fanfiction but since the begining i just wasn't feeling it. my obsession solely lies on Finn and Kylo and writing for another ship (even though it was another crackship i liked) seemed to drain me mentally.
> 
> and even before that fic I was working on a finn x kylo modern au but again despite being a good idea for a fic I was simply just not feeling it.
> 
> And despite working on those two for like a week or more I ended up spontaneously writing this fic. I started yesturday and finished today. This seems to be a running theme in my fanfic. It's gotten to the point that I wonder it it's even worth it to plan to write maybe I should just wait until inspiration hits me
> 
> edit: when you mishear the lyrics of a song and write a whole fanfic based on wrong lyrics and wrong interpratation. Whoops.


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